My latest diary:
Savage Species by Jonathan Janz
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
If you like a fast-paced, full on, action filled bloodbath then this is the book for you.
Thank you Flame Tree Press for an ARC of Savage Species by Jonathan Janz to read in exchange for an honest review.
Savage Species, and by god they are savage, is a spin on the Wendigo Myth. A brutal race of creatures have been awoken thanks to the construction efforts in the opening of Peaceful Valley Nature Preserve. It doesn’t take long for the peaceful atmosphere to be lost to the horrific sounds of screams and mutilation.
This is a two-fold story. We have Charly, dealing with her idiot of a husband, her crush, and the terrible kidnapping of her baby by the creatures. We also have Jesse, Emma and Colleen, who have been assigned by their paper to cover the opening. They got more of a story than they bargained for. The separate story arcs come together neatly, culminating in one great finale.
The characters are all written so flawlessly. There is real sense of fear and urgency from all of them. You feel how scared they all are, how trapped and helpless they feel in this nightmare situation. The oppressive feel of the tunnel and the caves is real; you get a distinct feel of the claustrophobic atmosphere, and the tense nature of their predicament.
The balance between the human characters, with their own issues, and the monsters is scaled nicely. It’s that real sense of humanism, the characters become alive, they have real life problems and issues, they are just like the rest of us, not over dramatised or exaggerated. They are real. It is this, and the fast yet steady pace of the story which really knits it all together.
The creatures, two different creatures, are written frighteningly well. You get a real picture of them in your mind’s eye. Their human qualities, and their beast qualities, make them a truly terrifying creature to behold. The brutal descriptiveness of the initial attack by these creatures was, as the title suggests, savage. The fierce nature of the beasts, the primal instincts and the absolute brutality was captured with the sense of realism that I so admire in the author’s writing.
I have to mention my favourite character, Frank Red Elk, he is a piece of work. I love him. A ‘soft-porn’ obsessed Native American who lives on the land. I really appreciated the comedic value this guy added to story. It paired well with the brutality, breaking it up in just the right places. He is one of my favourite characters I have had the pleasure to read I think.
Synopsis: “Jesse thinks he’s caught a break when he, Emma (the girl of his dreams), and her friend are assigned by their newspaper to cover the opening weekend of a sprawling new state park. But the construction of the park has stirred an evil that has lain dormant for nearly a hundred years, and the three young people–as well as every man, woman, and child unlucky enough to be attending the Algonquin Falls grand opening–are about to encounter the most horrific creatures to ever walk the earth. Charly has three young children and a jerk for a husband, a hot shot girls basketball coach with a penchant for seducing his female assistants. When Charly’s baby is kidnapped by one of the creatures, she turns to Sam Bledsoe, the man who constructed her house (and the man on whom she has developed a sizable crush) for help. Sam, Charly, her husband, and the newest hot assistant coach soon find themselves underground and on the trail of Charly’s baby. Jesse’s trio, a group of professors, and Frank Red Elk–a Native American who specializes in women and booze–take refuge in the caves hoping to find a way out of the park. But like Charly and the others, Jesse’s crew will soon learn just how monstrous the creatures are. And how cunning. Together, they will all try to save Charly’s baby, escape with their lives, and take down as many of the monsters as they can. But the creatures are hungry. They delight in human suffering. And they will stop at nothing to prove that they are the dominant species.”
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Daniel M. Benson
“When Japanese nature show host Daisuke Matsumori finds himself on an alien world, he hopes to rekindle his passion for his work. Travelling through a newly-discovered wormhole in the Papuan highlands, he joins biologist Anne Houlihan on Junction, a patchwork planet of competing alien ecosystems. When their exploratory party crashes in the alien wilderness, Daisuke and Anne try to lead bickering soldiers and civilians back to civilization alive. As they trek across one unearthly biome after another and members of the party continue to die, however, Daisuke wonders whether human politics might be more deadly than alien biology. One of his companions might be a murderer.”
As much as I love horror, I also love and adore science fiction. One of my first loves was Stargate, right from the film starring James Spader and Kurt Russell, through to the Stargate Universe. The mere mention of Wormholes, this took me back to a good place. I couldn’t wait to get into Junction.
First things first, I would like to thank the author, Daniel M. Benson, and Flame Tree Press for an ARC of Junction to read in exchange for an honest review.
This is fun filled book of weird and bright aliens, on an even weirder and brighter planet. What’s not to love?
The plot itself is rather interesting, a take on world politics, and how we, as a global nation would react to such a magnificent find. A stable wormhole in the middle of Papa New Guinea, that’s one hell of a find. I found the authors handling of the different nations great, as well as the diversity of the ‘away team’. We have some pompous military leaders who of course always know what’s right. Anne Houlihan, a character I loved instantly, the biologist who isn’t shy about telling the world what she thinks. Then we have Daisuke, a reality TV star, the Bear Grylls of Japan, who has also been sent along on this mission– well he isn’t quite sure why.
It’s an engaging story; I found it fun to read. It held my attention, and I became very sympathetic with the characters early on.
The planet is amazing, I loved all the ‘domes’, the different life, the different atmosphere as it were, the transition from dome to dome was great to read. The author has come up with some crazy aliens life forms, while also keeping it quite simple (if that’s the right term). I think that simplicity of it made it all the better, and more engaging to read. I didn’t have to be concerned with remembering too much detail involving really elaborate aliens, which can take away from a story.
All in all, a thoroughly enjoyable read.
Lesley-Ann (Housewife of Horror)
The Haunting of Henderson Close
always walked there. Now they’re not alone…
In the depths of Edinburgh, an evil presence is released.
Hannah and her colleagues are tour guides who lead their visitors along the spooky, derelict Henderson Close, thrilling them with tales of spectres and murder. For Hannah it is her dream job, but not for long. Who is the mysterious figure that disappears around a corner? What is happening in the old print shop? And who is the little girl with no face?
The legends of Henderson Close are becoming all too real. The Auld De’il is out – and even the spirits are afraid.”
I knew I was going to adore this book before I read it, I just had that feeling. I was right. This was my first time reading Catherine Cavendish and not my last. This book hit all the right notes for me. I have so many happy memories of Edinburgh, including Old Town, Royal Mile, and of course, the infamous ghost walks through the old closes of the city.
Hannah has started her new job as a tour guide at one of Edinburgh’s famous closes. Henderson Close. She has left her old life, and moved up to Edinburgh for a fresh start. This is her ideal job, she loves drama and acting, and this is just perfect for her. The idea of these ghost tours is to gently scare the customers, while also giving them a peek into the dark history of Edinburgh’s Old Town. What Hannah didn’t expect of course, was to come face to face with actual ghosts, and an evil that has been following her for her entire life.
Catherine Cavendish does an amazing job within this book of giving you the feeling of being there, in Edinburgh’s Old Town, surrounded by the stench, the claustrophobic closeness of the buildings, the noise and the nervous uncertainty. She takes us on a journey though time, and into the midst of a murder mystery. Just who was Miss Carmichael’s killer?
This is what Hannah, George and Mairead must find out. A once sealed evil has now been released into their world. Their only way to stop it, find the killer, the one who got away, before it’s too late.
Everything about this book spoke to me. The characters are very real, with their distinct personalities shining through the pages, giving them life. The setting, the atmosphere of Edinburgh past and present is tangible. You can almost smell the manure, the human waste. You can hear the whinnying of the horses, the clatter of people. She brings Henderson Close to life.
Having been on a couple of the walking ghost tours while in Edinburgh last year, this was like going on a third. It was exactly like I was there again, gripping onto Andy as we stumbled through the closes, being treated to jump scares from our tour guides and nervously wondering if a ghost was actually there, watching me. I love how real it felt, Hannah and her co workers getting into character. Taking on the roles of people from the past, engaging the customers and taking them on a fun history tour with a few good scares thrown in for good measure.
The mix in the story between the late 1800’s and the present day was perfect. There was no confusion, I never once felt like I was getting lost with the story. The pace and flow are spot on. I particularly enjoyed the time-slips, Hannah and Mairead appearing to slip back into Henderson Close’s past. It was very exciting to read and the ending, my god, the ending was unexpected. I loved it.
If you have read Catherine Cavendish before, then I need say no more, you are of course going to be reading this book. If you have not, like me, then all I can say is that you are missing out greatly. This is a wonderful story, beautifully written, with real characters and a perfect setting. Plenty of scares and creepiness included. This is definitely going in my re-read pile. I loved it.
Lesley-Ann (Housewife of Horror)
John C. Foster
“EXPOSE THE DARKEST OF SECRETS AT THE EDGE OF THE WORLD
A deadly menace threatens a remote island community and every man, woman and child is in peril. Sent to the isle to collect the remains of a dead fugitive, US Marshal Virgil Bone is trapped by torrential storms.
As the body count rises the community unravels, and Bone is thrust into the role of investigator. Aided by a local woman and the town pariah, he uncovers the island’s macabre past and its horrifying connection to the killings.
Some curses are best believed.
Sometimes the past is best left buried.
And some will kill to keep it so.”
First of all I would like to that Grey Matter Press for a copy of ‘The Isle’ to read in exchange for an honest review.
The lead protagonist, Bone, is sent to The Isle to retrieve the body of a fugitive, Richard Slocum. “Still a federal fugitive until we bring him in” he is told. He takes passage on Leviathan, a fishing boat captained by one by the interesting character, Samuel Weeks. Bone has many issues of his own to deal with such as the drinking problem that led to the death of his wife. He is a much layered character, something which I like. The more depth I feel with a character, the more you can relate to them. With this, it also brings you closer, in a fashion, to the story.
The trip out to The Isle I particularly enjoyed reading. It was very claustrophobic, very intense and descriptive, really making you feel like you were there, on the boat. I swear I felt a little sea sick reading it. The atmosphere was very dark and unnerving, as the reader, you never quite knew what to expect.
Bone then becomes stranded on The Isle due to the deteriorating weather, and finds himself embroiled in a murder mystery wrapped up in a curse tied up in very strange bow. This is a very interesting read, a murder mystery in an isolated environment. The Isle is very Gothic in nature, a good collection of odd characters, with a rich, old feeling, New England atmosphere.
Lesley-Ann (Housewife of Horror)
Darkest Sunlight: A Poetic Narrative
“The heart was made to be broken.” – Oscar Wilde
“To allow your heart to soar, you must risk the depths. Darkest Sunlight is the third poetic narrative from Xtina Marie. In this journey, readers will begin in the darkest of places yet revealed to us by this critically acclaimed poet, only to then find themselves thrust into the brightness of love before their eyes and minds can fully adjust. It is this shocking contrast which best conveys what it is to love, lose, and love again.
In Dark Musings, Xtina explored sadness. In Light Musings, she explored the intricacies of a loving heart. In Darkest Sunlight, Xtina Marie compares the opposite ends of the spectrum, and in doing so, she found a place darker than black.”
Darkest Sunlight is a wonderful collection of dark poetry exploring obsession, paranoia, depression, grief, love and lust to name a few. I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t read a lot of poetry so this was an interesting change of pace for me, one which I must say I thoroughly embraced and enjoyed.
I don’t feel at all qualified to review poetry properly; I could never give it the justice it deserves. I will say that I thought Dark Sunlight was brilliant, and that I will be picking up more from Marie to read.
It’s worth your time.
Lesley-Ann (Housewife of Horror)
story-teller William Pack conceived of Familiar Spirits as an outgrowth and
supplement to his spell-binding performances of magic and ghostly tales.
Connecting with Writer on Demand Donald J. Bingle, they have invited a
specially selected group of extremely talented writers to craft short tales and
vivid manifestations to unsettle, spook, terrify, and haunt you in your dreams
and in brightest day.
Sometimes when the dead are laid to rest in peace, they refuse to go into that dark night. Instead, they lie in the cold earth, agitated and restless, angry about the past, conjuring up lists of wrongs to right and enemies to fright.
In Familiar Spirits, you will find previously untold tales of … rainy graveyards … musty attics … domestic abuse … love unending … speaking with the dead … vengeful ghosts … infatuation gone wrong … and lonely spirits. And, you will meet a mother who refuses to abandon her child … a jealous ex … a sailor who seeks to escape his watery grave … and your deepest fears.
Includes stories from Sarah Hans, Dolores Whitt Becker, William Pack, Lynne Handy, Wren Roberts, Kate Johnson, Cathy Kern, Ric Waters, TS Rhodes, Melanie Waghorne, and Jean Rabe.
What makes ghost stories give readers shivers more than any other stories? After all, vampire and werewolf and monster tales can be plenty creepy, too. Perhaps it’s because we always know, deep in the back of our subconscious, that vampires and werewolves and monsters aren’t real. They’re fiction. But, the same isn’t true for ghost stories. Almost every culture believes in ghosts and has myths and tales about them. Almost everyone has had, or personally knows someone who has had, a ghostly or supernatural experience. We believe in ghosts, so we believe in ghost stories. And that makes it so much harder to go to sleep after we’ve read what those familiar spirits may be up to in the midst of deepest night in the woods, down the street, and in our own homes.
Join with these authors to bring Familiar Spirits to life … or, perhaps, unholy afterlife from beyond the grave. Death is only the beginning for a familiar spirit, but it may be the end for those it seeks out on the mortal plane.”
Familiar Spirits is a lovely and very spooky read. It is an anthology of ghostly tales brought to life by some very talented authors.
First of all, many thanks go to Donald J. Bingle for my copy of this lovely collection to read in exchange for an honest review.
There are so many wonderful stories within this book, all of them I found to be good. Of course there were some which I preferred to others, but this is always the case with an anthology. I was pleasantly surprised that I in fact enjoyed them all greatly, I feel I can normally be a little hit and miss with these, I will love some, like most, and dislike the few. I love that this book hits all the right notes. Familiar Spirits contains a great cocktail of the paranormal. There is a wonderful mix of the creepy, the frightening and the strange, as well as doing an impressive job of incorporating some quite emotional stories into the mix.
The opening story in particular struck a chord with me, ‘The Cold Earth’, is a tragic tale of domestic abuse. Megan has been murdered and subsequently buried by her husband Tom under an old oak tree, in their back yard. This was after what felt like a lifetime of abuse, both physical and emotional. Megan is still there, under the tree, in spirit, if not more, she hears all and she is aware of everything that is happening around her, including when Tom brings home a new girl, Jessica.
Megan feels an overwhelming urge to protect Jessica from Tom. She knows far better than anyone what he is like and how far he is willing to go. This is a chilling story that comes to its conclusion in the most beautiful symmetrical way. Both the imagery and the prose merge together as one, like they are locked in a perfect harmony to create the most fitting ending.
Familiar Spirits is a perfect book for fans of ghost stories, the paranormal and anything generally spooky and haunting. It’s a lovely read, and very engaging from the opening.
Lesley-Ann (Housewife of Horror)
My first year as an official book blogger has been a great one. I am forever grateful to those who have supported me and helped me on my journey. It has been amazing, I have read some wonderful horror stories (and a few dodgy ones), and I am very excited for all of the reading to come in 2019, including my initial seven books in seven days self challenge.
Anyway, enough of me, my top 5 have to be, in no particular order:
Bad Pennies by John F. Leonard
The first thing that really grabbed my attention with this book was Chris Carlisle. A guy, just trying to make it through life, struggling the same way we all do. Mundane job, living payday to payday, debating with himself over the now regular winter ‘heating or eating’ dilemma. This is a great story, a supernatural horror story encompassing not only the horrors of the supernatural world, but also the horrors of our own everyday existence. I felt his internal struggle, his guilt, and his overwhelming need. He needed the money, he knew he was wrong, but it was going to help him more than the dead guy wasn’t it? Or so he thought. I really loved the undertones about our general money worries, and the depths we can be driven to in desperation. For me personally, it felt like John F. Leonard was getting right into the nitty gritty of our materialistic society. The rich get richer and the poor get squashed. Our ‘need’ as it were, for the things we don’t really need, take over our senses and cause us to do things completely out of character, ruining our lives and those of our loved ones. Those of us who are desperate enough can be completely blinded by obsession and greed. To me, this was a story examining just how far one is willing to go, and how much is one prepared to turn a blind eye to, just to get on in this mundane existence we have created for ourselves.
A particular quote I loved “I might have no time for Fleecebook and Twitter-Tattle, Snapshat or Instawhatever, but it loves them like naughty sons. The more noise the better as long it keeps a few real truths quiet.”
I felt this partly summed it up, our materialistic obsession. We love sharing so much with friends via social media. We lose ourselves in the moment, rather than enjoying what is in front of us right now, we sacrifice it for a few likes and retweets. We are missing so much. I am as guilty as the rest for this. There is a pressure here too, the ‘keeping up with the Jones’’, the need to acquire things just to show we have them. We don’t like the idea of people knowing we are struggling, we don’t always ask for help when we should. It’s like this ‘shame’ has been bred into us. There is no shame in needing help. To me anyways, it felt like this was one of the points of the books. Speak to people, ask for help if you need it. Don’t leave it so the ‘help’ seeks you out. Evil is attracted to the most vulnerable among us.
My favourite character has to be Ronald Hodge. My god that guy is a creep. I felt like I needed a shower each time he was in a chapter. He is one horrendously bad man, in every possible way. I absolutely loved the development of his story. The way it just kept getting worse and worse (in a very good way), he is awful. Reading about Steph in his house gave me chills. It was so bad yet so good. I really don’t want to say too much on Ronald as I don’t want to totally ruin it for people. This is must read, for this character if nothing else.
Bad Pennies is brilliantly thought out and written, it flows so easily from one chapter to the next. The switch up in characters is obvious without being confusing. The fluidity of the story and realness of all the characters made this a truly horrifying pleasure to read.
I am very much excited to delve deeper into The Scaeth Mythos, it’s fascinating. The other realm, the manipulations of our reality and the descriptions of the, do I call them familiars? I’m not sure. King Ratty was a definite favourite. When he became spider-rat, oh god, I was itching all over. I hate spiders! I really can’t wait to read the next instalment.
The Sorrows by Jonathan Janz
***REVIEW PENDING VIA GNOH***
The House by the Cemetery by John Everson
Some things should most definitely remain buried. A murderous witch undoubtedly should. If there was ever a tale about a man being led by his, ahem, ‘other’ brain, this is it. Mike, a carpenter is tasked with making an already haunted house safe, to be opened as a haunted house attraction. Seems like a great idea doesn’t it? The end result, the cattle are taking themselves to the slaughter.
I got many American Horror Story feels from this book; I could picture it in my mind, the different cast members of AHS and which parts they would be perfect for. It really felt like a story that Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk had come up with during the creative process for their next series. It’s a shame really that they have already done the haunted house theme (series 1). I can live in hope though right?
Mike, divorced, living hand to mouth and pay check to pay check, is struggling to pay the rent. He reluctantly agrees to a job offer from his friend Perry, to work on reconstructing Bachelor’s Grove, an infamous haunted house complete with a creepy cemetery. It is to be opened in the run up to Halloween and a scary money making attraction. He meets a girl, Katie, falls for girl and does everything she asks no matter how twisted or bizarre it may seem. Love really is blind.
That was my one fault with this book; Mike was a little too accepting of the situation. Even at the end, all the murders, the bloodshed, and he just seemed to be very blasé about it. He would complain, and say he didn’t agree et cetera et cetera, but Katie would smile sweetly and bat her witchy eyelashes and he would be back to being her good boy. That one thing was my only annoyance. I think we needed a man with a bit more fight in him, not an absolute pushover. Katie really didn’t have to work for it. Also, I have to admit, it was not a huge surprise to find out Katie was a ghost, or even the witch for that matter. It was sadly pretty obvious from early on in the book, although that didn’t curtail my enjoyment.
I felt the haunted house within a haunted house concept worked really well, I loved all the different room ideas and the overall layout and decoration of the house really did sound great. I felt there was maybe a lack of any ‘actual’ haunting within the house when it was open to the public, unlike the subtle incidents, of entrails, noises and footsteps whilst Mike was working on it. That subtle approach was perfect for building atmosphere in the earlier stages of this novel. I would have appreciated a few unintended jump scares from resident ghostly inhabitants during the open house, which would have been a treat alongside the actors dishing out the scares. I think introducing some other spectral figures would have given the house more of a back story, showing us that many people died there over the years. While we were limited with ghostly visitors, despite being told numerous times of the vast paranormal presence within the house, we were not left totally disappointed. It wasn’t until the very last night of business that the ghouls came out to play. Those last few chapters were great, a very big finish, a huge kill count, it was an absolute blood bath that wouldn’t have been lost on an eighties slasher flick.
The Mouth of the Dark by Tim Waggoner
As a horror fan, and all round crazy fan-girl, it is always the stranger the better that I love. I love randomness, oddities, crazy, the unusual and the downright illogical. I relish the weird and the wonderful with a fiery passion, embracing it and all its wondrous madness. This book, this wonderful book, The Mouth of the Dark, is all of these things and more.
There is nothing I can say that could do this book or its author justice. Tim Waggoner, you are a literary genius. This is an extraordinary tale, a frightening, exciting, and thrilling ride from start to finish. The Mouth of the Dark has opened up a whole new world of wonder for me, I feel inspired by it, and I feel that it has cracked open a creative door within me that I don’t think can ever be closed.
We meet Jayce Lewis, a regular guy, a desperate father who is searching for his daughter, Emory. He knows something is wrong, he is deeply worried. He and Emory are not the closest anymore, not since the divorce, something he regrets deeply, but they keep in touch. She has gone missing from her home, in the Cannery. No one seems to believe him, that she is in danger, missing, abducted maybe; even her mother thinks everything is fine, and that she is just loved up and holed up with her current boyfriend and will get in touch eventually. Jayce knows, he can feel it, something isn’t right and he isn’t leaving until he finds her, he will do anything to find her, his little girl.
The Cannery has a questionable reputation; it is not the safest of places to live by any means. It wasn’t what he would have wanted for his Emory, but she is an adult now, she has to make her own way in the world, and he respects that. A lot of strange things happen within the Cannery, it’s a place for the unknown, the darkness, and the shadows. A different kind of life thrives here. While asking around about Emory, he meets Nicola, a curious woman who saves his life after he is attacked by some of the Cannery’s strangeness. She offers to help him find his daughter, it’s just a matter of can they trust each other, and can Jayce accept what he is about to find out. His whole life is about to change in ways he could never have imagined possible.
The Shadow, a world of dark wonder where the impossible is real, everything you could imagine, and the things you would rather not, it’s all real, and it’s here. A world existing alongside our own, just out of sight for most people, ‘normal’ people. Jayce soon discovers he has ‘the eye’, he can see the things most can’t, he is a part of the shadow, he just didn’t remember he was.
The Mouth of the Dark is a truly fascinating read, it has everything. We have lunatic killers, sex toys with a life of their own, dog eaters, clones, gladiator style fighting, melting heads and even a pinch of romance. It has something for everyone, and it is all wrapped up in a perfect twisted bow.
Haunted: Horror of Haverford West by G. L. Davies
This terrified me, I couldn’t put it down. Haunted: Horror of Haverfordwest is an interview with a married couple, Dai and Anne (names changed so as to not be identified), recounting the dreadful days spent in their marital home. They are haunted by a malevolent paranormal being, tormented and almost driven apart by the entity. This book is the prequel – which happens to be featured at the end of this one – to G. L. Davies’ ‘A Most Haunted House’.
I really liked the style, the transcript, it really pulled me in, and I was immediately engrossed, desperate to find out what happened next. I was hooked from the get-go. It was really interesting, as well as frightening, the idea that this could be going on in the house next door and you wouldn’t know it. You might put banging and clattering down to just noisy neighbours with no consideration, or maybe they are having a clean out… you would never think that they were being haunted, not in a million years. Or maybe we don’t want to think that? Is it better that we live our day to day lives in the blissful ignorance that there is nothing else out there, nothing lurking in the closet or under the bed? Are we happier this way?
I honestly can’t say I’m 100% sure this is based on truth or whether this is a story in a ‘true life’ format. I am most definitely open minded, and I’m more to leaning that this is based on real events. If so, oh my god, I can’t begin to imagine how horrendous and terrifying this must have been.
I’m glad the original book was included, I hadn’t read this previously and it was interesting to see the similarities between both accounts, from different people in different eras. I also found the possible explanations for paranormal occurrences an interesting and insightful read.
For someone like me, a believer, this is a great read. It’s had me on Google, looking up the area and the paranormal goings on. It seems Pembrokeshire is a paranormal hotspot.
I’m quite interested in this I must say.
The story of the Hooded Monk of Union Hill in Haverfordwest is something that has grabbed my attention, the ghost hunter in me has decided to take a trip down later in the year, see some sights, and maybe spot a ghost or two. Of course we are already concerned this will end up the next big ‘found-footage’ film, my fiancé joking the sequel will involve his mother and uncle heading out looking for us.
Thank you guys for sticking with me this year, and I am looking forward to a very exciting horror filled 2019!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from me, Lesley-Ann, The Housewife of Horror xxx